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German jokes (Witze)

Understanding jokes in another language is complicated because they require you to be very knowledgeable about the language and culture. Many jokes are based on double meanings. Let's see if you can figure them out. This can be a fun way to learn a language.

Here's a few bad jokes:

Fritzchen Jokes (Fritzchen-Witze)

Fritzchen is a boy who is the protagonist of many German jokes

Joke 1

Die Lehrerin fragt Fritzchen: “Wie viele Weltmeere gibt es und wie heißen sie?”
The teacher asks Fritzchen: "How many oceans are there and what are they called?"

Fritzchens Antwort: “Es gibt sieben und ich heiße Fritz.”
Fritzchens answers: There's seven and my name is Fritz"

Explanation: The teachers question had "wie heißen sie" which sounds just like the formal way of asking someone their name as well as what the oceans’ names are. Thus, Fritz says "my name is Fritz".

Joke 2

Fritzchen fragt seinen Lehrer: “Herr Lehrer, kann man für etwas bestraft werden, was man nicht getan hat?”
Fritzchen asks his teacher: Mr. Teacher, can someone be punished for something that he didn't do?"

Der Lehrer antwortet: “Nein, natürlich nicht. Das wäre ungerecht.
The teacher answers: "No, of course not. That would be unfair."

Fritzchens Antwort: “Gut, denn ich habe meine Hausaufgaben nicht gemacht.”
Fritzchens answers: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

Fußballwitze (Soccer jokes)

Joke 3

“Papa, wenn ein Fußballspieler nicht mehr gut sehen kann, was wird dann aus ihm?”,
will Berni wissen.

"Dad, if a soccer player stops seeing well, what happens to him?" Berni asks.

Sein Vater antwortet: “Dann wird er Schiedsrichter.”
His father answers him: He becomes a referee.

Joke 4

Jürgen Klinsmann kommt in den Himmel und trifft am Himmelstor Petrus.
Jürgen Klinsmann goes to heaven and meets Peter at the gates of heaven

Petrus: “Sie, hier? Wie haben Sie das Tor gefunden?”
Peter: "You're here? How did you find the door?"

Some help to understand the joke: Jürgen Klinsmann was a German forward (not very good). "Tor" means door (gate) and goal.

Jokes from East Frisia in German (a region in northern Germany)

Joke 5

Frage: Warum stellen Ostfriesen leere Flaschen in den Kühlschrank?
Question: Why do people from East Frisia put empty bottles in the refrigerator?

Antwort: Damit sie Gästen etwas anbieten können, die nichts trinken wollen
Answer: To offer something to guests who don't want to drink

Joke 6

Frage: Warum essen Ostfriesen keine Brezeln?
Question: Why don't people from East Frisia eat pretzels?

Antwort: Weil sie den Knoten nicht lösen können
Answer: Because they don't know how to undo the knot.

Other jokes

Joke 7

"Nur keine Panik!", beruhigt der Arzt den Patienten, "Wir haben diese Operation schon 30mal gemacht. Einmal muss sie ja klappen!"
"Just don't panic!", the doctor calms the patient.
"We've done this operation 30 times already; it has to work one time!"